…hips swing wide, attitude high, sashay slide, so fierce that it’s too die. Snippets of conversation pop in my head as i enter the Cinch and make my way towards mikey brown and some liqour therapy dujour. The place is packed for charlie horse, and i have a feeling the trannyshack family has found a new home. A shot of Patron and a margarita later- mr.brown asks if i need anything else and before i answer a fat blunt is placed in my hand and i head for the back porch, squirming thru the sardine packed crowd, half of which is bouncing in unison to the relentless pull of 80’s pop and i’m digging how mixed up and diverse and correct the crowd is, when I suddenly bump into whats his face dude and catch the eye of oh yeah that guy from that night and finally find myself seated in a yoda position, bumming a light and locking eyes with my old friend Bill and he’s working a major neck tat piece and bringing me back to old memories and catching me up with new ones. His party TransAm is going monthly so I make plans to hook up later and turn my attention to those NICE boys Joey & Ian who are suddenly in front of me and their friends are cool so we shoot the shit and i serve it extra thick as the laughs ring out and the evening begins to make sense and i realize i’m home.finally. someplace where i can breath and lose myself in the flow of something that i never seem to feel anymore in NYC. Call me a snob, but after spending the better part off 44 years in the big A coming back to Cali always feels not only right but supa correct. The evening passes with more meetings of new friends like Dino and old like DJ Bus Station John and he is always good for a style exile moment- working a ladies belt as a necklace, a huge happy flower stuck non challantly in his cap. I wait for Mikey to kick everybody out at 2am and wait for them to finish their count as I amuse myself with a gakked out girl obviously close to the verge of self implosion until her muted mutterings of self remorse turn my stomach and i get up and shoot some fierce drag queens by the X-mas tree and realize that i love available light from tacky christmas decorations and i love crazy queens willing to work it after closing time even more. Mikey and I spend the next 5 hours blazing, catching up, having a mni at show, drawing and then collapsing into sleep. he revives us with homemade turkey soup at noon and then another nap. when i wake up shower and lv for my bud Roadblocks casa a few blocks away and get lost in his magnetic haze- chillin with a movie, listening to him masturbate his bass guitar and mting his fresh from NYC like moi new roomie Franko who catches my eye on the super sly fly and I realize that sleep will finally come tonight. Suddenly my phone rings and it’s my ex Will crying on the other end. Earlier we had a small fight about his coming up to SF from Pasadena to visit over x-mas and he wasn’t sure if he was still coming. Well right after we got off the phone he found out his uncle had passed and that the funeral is in SF on Thursday. Ironic timing or just plain fukt up karmic shite? He kept telling me he loves me and wants to see me and all that stuff that is like sonic honey to a lovesick bear. So i agree to go to the funeral with him, but i can tell he’s drunk even though he denies it and the sound of his tears fill me with sadness, compassion…yet dread. for i love this newly 30 year old man even though it messes with my head and the thought of seeing him for the first time in almost 2 months makes my mind spin like a tormented top. So i get off the phone and blow my soul off to Roadblock who puts it all in perspective when he hugs me better and we head out into the night unafraid or upset by loves never ending plight. Is it possible to ever completely forever say goodbye to someone that you loved, still love. will always love…semi-almost-kinda unconditionally, which is never a smart option, but you take it anyway, losing yourself for a bit in the sonic bile stuck inside your brain that spins you self reverential stories to sooth your love sick soul. I know that I am capable of being on my own and making my way thru life uninterupted by the ferocious pull of love, but my heart typically guides me where my head won’t allow me to be and i end up laying raw & open, a victim of my self prescribed den of iniquity. and the one whose flame i am most drawn to, will either be my saviour, or turn out to be someone i shall always rue.